New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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