one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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