Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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