i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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