tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
