My sheets look like a crime scene.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
