i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Randomize
