I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
