I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
