I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
