my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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