How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
