i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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