I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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