Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
