my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
