No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
