On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
