Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I just want to make out with him forever
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
