I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
