drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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