So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
