im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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