started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
