Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
