Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
