I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
