He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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