Will you blow on my dice?
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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