my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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