im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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