everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
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