I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
