Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
