I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
