Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
