i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
