You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
