Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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