I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
