How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I want to fling myself into the sun
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
