Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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