First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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