Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
