There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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