1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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