some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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