Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
