i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
