cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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